Wednesday, 19 November 2014

Back! (+ long story)

PS: I did not expect this post to go on for this long. I went off a tangent and got carried away with it.

Sweet Lord! It's been a while since I've been on here.
I got lazy and it was pretty much easier to keep stuff in my head than actually get it out in 'paper', which sort of defeats the purpose of this blog.

Anyhoo, I'm back and I'm going to try to get stuff out of up there and on here more.

So what have I been up to since October 2013...?
I've finished my course in College, gotten a job, started back at University and been extremely busy.

Whilst having a chat with Big Kiddo :-) and sharing some anecdotes from my short time at my new job, he commented on how those would have been good on here and I thought 'ahh... I guess, if  I'll stop been lazy and living in my head'
Decided to come back on here though. Telling stories and recounting experiences by mouth is so different to writing it down. I don't think I'm much good at either of them. Everything sounds oh so much better in my head, but oh well. I can't be good at everything can I?
Anyway sha, I'm hoping reflecting and getting stuff on here will help with my Personal Development Plans and all those reflection 'nonsense' that I have to do. There are lots of them and everytime I think about starting to fill them in, I panic and just 'forget about it' till next week when I'll be in the frame of mind to do it.
Next week was about a month ago and one of them is due in next month. Imagine! I feel like I'm in school where I have to write 'about me' compositions.

Funny thing is that in primary and high school, I was really good at English Language and Literature. My English tutor wanted me to study English and even on the day of graduation, she came up to me and said I should seriously consider studying English at University.
Me? For where? Maka why? Ejo o... Mba nu!
She, Ms Noble was an alright teacher in the sense that she didn't always have control of the class. From Jamaica with incredibly long, fake nails, fake weave and lots of make-up, she was lovely and sometimes let me get away with eating and or reading in class.
My first English teacher in high school was Ms DeMartino. Italian heritage most likely. She was the definition of small but mighty. She was petite, but when you got on her nerves, dayum, she could scream the daylight out of earth. She made me like English Language and Literature as subjects. I previously just enjoyed reading, and that was that. She taught PEE (Point Evidence Explain) in year 8 and I still use that till today with some of my essays. I'd always been good with English language, but didn't understand or see the point of Literature and I was certain I would fail my English Literature GCSE, but I did excellently in it. She taught me how to read poems and interprete them in the way the poet perhaps wanted it portrayed or just my own point of view. I found it interpreting poems, especially the ones that had no head or tail into something logical pretentious and a bit silly and sometimes, I still do till date, though now, I try to respect that the poet writes down what's in their mind/head and it doesn't have to make sense to me.
I didn't mind poems that had a story line or some sort of rhyme going on, but some just made me feel like the writers were high.

My Maths tutor was Jamaican too-Mr Christian. He was relatvely young and chilled. He was fun and a good teacher too. I enjoyed learning maths with him.

I had two science teachers one for Physics and Biology and the other for Chemistry. Chemistry teacher was crap and our year made her cry. A lot. Looking back now, I sometimes feel awful for her. I didn't do anything though. I was a good student.
Physics and Biology tutor was brill. Mr Barber was bald and I think an atheist? He always got into passive aggressive conversations with out Steel band teacher-Dave as a few of the students in my year group always had practice during one half of Mr Barber's lessons.

Dave was a boss! He was fun, cool and the most down to earth person ever. Can't even call him a teacher sef. I started on the steel band band quite late, but he was so patient and I ended up getting the hang of it. I played the bass drums. It was great! It was fun missing lessons to make music and then be among the first to get to the canteen for lunch.

Spanish teacher was actually a French man. Imagine! I always forget his name. He had a black sport car. That I remember well. He was a great teacher considering that years after leaving high school, I still remember a bit of Spanish and if I kept up with practice, I would probably have been fluent now. There were a few people in my year who did learn to speak it and two that I know of went on to study it at University. In high school, in my time anyway, there was the foundation and higher paper and if you weren't that good at a subject, you would be entered for the foundation exam and if better, the higher. In Spanish, we had a mock exam in both papers. I failed the foundation and passed the higher. I'm still baffled till tomorrow.I was entered in for the higher thankfully.

History was fun because we watched old movies about the Indians in America and war movies. History teacher was old, but so genteel. He could be your favourite grand uncle with whom you played golf with. He was tall and soft spoken and we always tried to get him to do what we wanted.

I think our religious education teacher was a druggie and perv. I don't think he was which contradicts the first statement, but oh well, make from it what you will. He was ginger and just random. He might have been budhist.

My Design and Technology teacher was Nigerian. Woop! He let us do what we wanted as long as we didn't kill ourselves with any of the machines in his lab. I enjoyed this subject so much. If I was not in the library at school, I was either here or in my classroom. I made some really nice stuff that I still have till date. The clock I made is in the kitchen in my Uncle and Aunty's house. I was watching a random video from a Church and saw him in it. I think he's a Pastor or something.

P.E teacher. We had 3. 2 females and 1 male. PE was alright. I hated lawn tennis and table tennis and basketball and badminton and volley ball and...that's it. I was really good at track and field-100m, long and triple jump. Made some records in school. Represented my borough in London Schools. I even joined a harriers. Went training and all with my spikes. Those were the days till sixth form happened and I got unhealthy and...that's how the story ended. If you google my name and London schools athletics, I'm somewhere there for some award or the other there. That makes me smile a bit.I liked netball too. Sometimes.
Those were all the subjects I took at year 9 for my GCSES.

I loved high school and hated it in almost equal measures. I loved learning and being in the school environment, I loved steel band and DT. I loved sports and the the library, but I always felt like I didn't fit in anywhere. I wasn't a girly girl, so didn't fit in with the girls and the boys didn't want me always playing with them more so, after I hit one of them in the balls with a hockey stick for touching my butt. That's what happens when horny 13/14 year old boys don't listen when I say 'BOG OFF!!!' Besides, there were always rumours flying around and I certainly didn't want to be one of the 'characters'.

I loved the library. It was my safe haven. The smell of old books and the quietness there. The librarian let me take as many books as I wanted even though there was a limit for everyone else. I guess she recognised that I loved books and would take care of them. I reckon throughout my time in high school, I read almost all the books in there apart from horror. I don't do horror. Na na na.
Anyway, high school was confusing to me because as much as I wanted to fit in with the girls, their noisy and copycat behaviour irked me. Why couldn't they just be quiet? Why did they all have to go to the toilet together? I think the girls realised I was a bit different and sort of shut me out. Kind of hurt. Okay, it did hurt, but the weird thing was when I was included, I wanted to be out of the groupsy thing. I didn't fit in or out. Why couldn't I just be 'normal'?
Anwyay, when I got older, I realised I was just an introvert. I liked the feeling of family and togetherness, but I didn't necessarily want to partake in it from the inside. I certainly wasn't shy, I just didn't enjoy talking about boys or nail polish or Eastenders or the colour of Jesse McCartney's eyes etc. Those things didn't move me. Talking about politics did. I guess watching too much Sky new from a young age has an effect on a kid's life and outlook to life.

I had a weird relationship with all the groups at school. I could fit into them all for a brief period of time so I spent time flitting from the girlies to the football boys to the 'bad' smoking kids (very brief 'hi')to the teacher's pets to the geeks to the snobs to the ratchety (forgive me Lord for viewing them that way) girlies to being alone. I realise that till now, that's what I still do. I've stopped looking for where I belong though and I just live, though every once in a while, after bumping into an episode of Friends of Sex and the City, I wish I would have 'my people' but screw that. Overrated. For now.

The most trouble I got into at school was reading novels and eating in class. I got sent out of class especially English for reading novels when I was supposed to be writing an essay, which to be honest, I could have belted out in 10 minutes. I was simply giving the rest of the class head-starts. The teacher didn't see it that way.
I was racially bullied in high school too, by some tiny girl-Amy. It bothered me for a while, afterwards I more or less told her with my attitude to pardon my French 'piss off'


I went to a grammar school in Kent for 6th form which was not my choice. I hated my time there. All girls school *SHUDDER* Never again!

First university, I hated it. I got depressed. Cried a lot. I still didn't understand at this point why I didn't fit in no matter how hard I tried. I just wasn't interested in drinking or clubbing. It probably didn't help that I was studying a course I knew I hated within a few weeks at uni.

Looking back, I should have probably tried to enjoy high school more and not care about people's opinions or about being part of a group.
I should have been more firm in going to at least the grammar school of my choice.
I should have studied what I wanted to at both 6th form and uni.
I guess, these are the things one only learns in hindsight.

However, I probably wouldn't be here today with the job I have and the long winded story that comes with it as I would have graduated towards the mid/end of the recession and most likely not had a job as the Construction industry was hit really badly.

I'm super grateful to God that despite all the time I spent leaving uni and restarting 'everything' I still caught up in the sense that I have a wonderful job within the industry I had always wanted to  be in from the beginning.
God is faithful and if we wait on Him, though things don't go according to plans (I am the queen of planning.) and you get annoyed, antsy and angry, He'll make all things beautiful. In HIS time so you'll have an awesome story to tell too.
God's time is the best!


 
                                                     
                                                                        - The End -
                                                                         (for now)

Tuesday, 8 October 2013

Summer update and randoms (as usual).

Yeah, I've not been on here in a while. A long while.

Anyway, I decided to binge watch and catch up with all my favourite shows- Modern family, Grey's Anatomy, Big Bang Theory.
Modern family and BBT make me smile. They're so comfortable and heart warming. They're my feel good shows.
GA- I can't believe Heather is dead :-( . I thought she was annoying when she was first introduced to the show alongside the newbies, but she grew on me like April did. Should Shane be guilty or grateful that she died in his place? I guess both. He lied to her and she being a good, naive and obedient (yeah) girl, did as she was told or more accurately lied to and died. Her death reminded me of how important GOOD and true friends are. Not worth having acquaintances labelled as friends. Selah.
Bailey's teary 'Praise Jesus, you didn't  rupture his aorta' was so aww...
The stand-off between Yang and Bailey made me chuckle. Bailey told Yang that she's the fellow and therefore makes the decision. Yang replied with a bangitybang 'I own this hospital. You work for me.'
No comeback for that :-D
In all, the season's premier was bittersweet.
Oh well. It's a show. I've still not gotten round to watching last season's final episode of Scandal. I've had enough drama for tonight.

Summer was a mix of different emotions and activities. A couple of weddings, a bit of gallivanting around the country, falling in love with Edinburgh and dreaming of moving there should my family learn to live without me, a few minor fall-outs, lots of wedding/marriage/'it'll be your turn soon' conversations, long journeys some major fall-outs, Spanish, eye-opening experiences on human behaviours, really HOT summer days and uncomfortable nights, part-time jobs, rain, being a MoH, failed repeated attempts at reading Tess of the d'urbervilles, temple run 2, lots of walking, flowers, being friends or something akin to that with people I thought of as 'annoying', lots of telephone conversations, ignoring people :-D, Church, candy crush saga, country side, more weddings and the best, answer to a prayer that had been prayed for a VERY LONG TIME.
Yep, Summer was good. It weren't too bad at all.

I finished Temple run 2. I promise you I did. I uninstalled it and I'm re-playing it again. I'm already on level 8. I'd forgotten how tedious and boring this level is. Oh well. I finish what I start or I try to anyway.

School is back on. I'm glad. Had a conversation on an aspect of engineering that I found interesting. I've been thinking a lot about it. I'm not particularly great with the sciences. I just like knowing stuff. I like knowing about how the theoretical part of science is used in real life. I'm not too keen on just the theory. Sigh. More choices and decisions to make. My mum and dad will probably kill me if they can read my mind. Not that I'm really bothered bothered bothered. I'll love to make furniture if I could, but I've gotten to accept that it'll be something I'll do as a hobby and not a career. The next best thing is building houses. Structural engineering is fun to know about, but will practicing it be fun too? Too much officey work drawing and talking. I want to be doing not talking.
I'll think about all these later.

Sooo... I've become a bit lax on the spiritual side. That's not true. Very lax. I'm just so meh.

I think I'm becoming way too cynical and it's not cool. How do I stop being cynical? I'll google it.

I read this and paraphrased, it said, 'Not trusting God will lead to a loneliness that human love cannot take away'

This has been on repeat for a few weeks. It's made and it makes me smile.



We’re all gonna die. We don’t get much say over how or when. But we do get to decide how we’re gonna live. So do it. Decide. Is this the life you wanna live? Is this the person you wanna love? Is this the best you can be? Can you be stronger? Kinder? More compassionate? Decide. Breathe in. Breathe out, and decide.
Richard Webber - ‘Seal Our Fate’
(Season 10, Episode 1)

It's me again with my random and very uncollected thoughts... :-)

Saturday, 1 June 2013

Lord, I NEED an angel


I've run out of answers I've run out of time
And I'm so confused that I'm loosin' my mind
Its gonna take a miracle to help me this time
I'm traveling a road that has not one sign

Help me, 
Have mercy on me
Set my soul free
And let the bell in my heart ring

This is my cry, hey, this is my plea, you see

I need an angel, I'm callin' an angel, send me an angel down
I need an angel, I'm callin' an angel, send me an angel down


I'm carryin' a load that's too heavy for me
Have nowhere to go so I'm down on my knees
I'm tryin to see the forest but there's this one tree
Can't understand why I'm shaking so deep

Help me (Help Me Help Me) have mercy on me
(Won't you have mercy on me) 
Set my soul free, 
And let the bell in my heart ring

This is my cry, this is my plea

I need an angel (I need an angel) I'm calling an angel, send me an angel (Send it on down)
Here me now
I need an angel (I need an angel) I'm calling an angel, send me an angel (Send it on down)


Oh something inside of me telling me the morning will come (Morning will Come) Yes it will
Oh sometimes it's hard to face the truth so we run (We Run)
God if you care at all please don't let me fall by the wayside (Oh No)
Please be my guide, would you light my path...
Take Me, Shape Me, Mould Me, Change Me, Teach Me, Fill Me, Save Me

I need an angel (I need an angel) I'm calling an angel, send me an angel (Send it on down)
I need an angel (I need an angel) I'm calling an angel, send me an angel (Send it on down)
I know its gotta be some kinda angel out there for me
Send a angel down right now Send a angel down right now


Pretty much says it all Lord.

Thursday, 23 May 2013

I tire!

As a muslim, you must obey the law of the land, but if the law contradicts your your faith or religious beliefs it's VERY VERY simple. LEAVE! Move somewhere that accommodates your beliefs. Saudi Arabia is there. No?

When an idiot believes it's right to hack someone to death to pass across a message of his religion, then that's madness. Then again, what can we say when that's what the religion teaches or biko, someone explain why it always has to be muslims to me. Kmt.
I am aware that not all Muslims are crazy like this dude who hacked the poor soldier to death in Woolwich,  but when there is negativity and evil attached to a religion, it makes it so difficult to see past that.
It's still difficult for me to get over Boko Haram and their stupidness in Nigeria. Then there's Boston and now Woolwich.
I wonder when Muslims clamouring for Sharia law in Britain will learn that it is a Christian nation and it will never happen.  Why force your religion down the throat of people who have welcomed you into their land. I don't see Christians or Hindus or Buddhists fighting and killing for the laws in Saudi or Pakistan or Iran to be change to suit their religious beliefs.

It is scary when people can easily detach themselves from their conscience and try to validate killings of people for religious purposes and then turn around and tell me 'religion of peace'. My mum is a former muslim. Her family members including her parents are still muslims. She herself said it's scary the way some muslims will kill for the religion. It's like they become someone else. That's not right. You can't go about killing people and then want me to revert to your religion.
Again, I am well aware that not all muslims are like this, but deep down, are they or aren't they?

The idiot apparently is British Nigerian. The joys. People like this thing are reasons why blacks and Nigerians in particular are treated like crap. We wonder why our people are been racially abused in schools and trains and buses. We take offence when the indigenes scream obscenities at us and tell us to go back to our countries. We  take one step forward, thinking we are making progress as a race and then gbam an idiot take us 100 backwards.

I would hate to be living in SE London at this time. To think I was planning on going to London next week to hang out with friends. My mum gave me this stern look that said young lady, you are not leaving this city to go to anywhere. I don't even feel comfortable going again anyway.
I guess black boys should get used to the idea of being stopped and searched.

I am so flipping angry right now. Nothing makes sense anymore. Then again, driving purposely off the road to hit someone wearing a 'help for heroes' t-shirt, dragging him to the middle of the road and hacking him to death in front of a primary school is not what normal people do regardless of religion. It's not supposed to make sense.

PS: I am going to scream at the next person who sends me one those chain mails about being proud of 'our GREAT country Nigeria'. Nigeria ain't great. It WAS great at some point. The earlier people begin to stop fooling themselves and be honest and realise and accept that Nigeria is not great anymore and then start trying to fix that once great country, the better for it and for us as Nigerians.

Monday, 29 April 2013

My Prayer 1

Disturb us, Lord, when we are too well pleased with ourselves, 

when our dreams have come true because we have dreamed too little, 

when we arrive safely because we sailed too close to the shore. 


Disturb us, Lord, when with the abundance of things we possess,
we have lost our thirst for the waters of life, 
having fallen in love with life, we have ceased to dream of eternity, 
and in our efforts to build a new earth, 

we have allowed our vision of the new heaven to dim. 


Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly, to venture on wider seas, 
where storms will show your mastery, 
where losing sight of land, we shall find the stars. 
We ask you to push back the horizon of our hopes, 
and to push us into the future in strength, courage, hope, and love. 
This we ask in the name of our Captain, who is Jesus Christ. ”
― Francis Drake

Sometimes, I don't want to be disturbed. I like where I am. I feel safe and comfortable.
Why do I have to..? But...? What if...?

However,

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Saviour"
-Hillsong United (Oceans (Where feet may fail)


Thursday, 25 April 2013

Friendship


This dude is FUNNY. His accent and intonations and everything is just right. He made me smile.

I have been pretty much a loner most of my life and I've been fine with it, but as much as I love talking and thinking things through in my head, there there have been periods when I've wanted or needed someone to talk to. I'm glad I have a sort of mentor like figure in my life to whom I e-mail pages after pages of the going ons in my life-the good and not so good.
I have been wary of calling just anyone my friend. Friendship to me is a biggie. When I call someone my friend, I mean it. It is a commitment and one I take seriously. However, I have realised that it is better to be alone than have crappy 'friends'. I'm the classic example of burnt once, twice shy.
Anyway, it saddens me when I see/hear people slander, belittle and tear their apparent friend to pieces. My sister's flatmate apparently has been acting up and I find it weird that they're always loving each other up, declaring their love and whatnot on facebook and when they talk to each other, and then been bitchy the next minute and having these fights that make no sense whatsoever. It's horrid. I told my sister that she needs to start making real friends and these people she hangs out with are not friends. I was quite shocked when she said, 'I know'. Apparently, she knows who her real friends are, but only hangs out with the people she does because they are fun and some other reasons that make no sense to me. Then again, I can't say I really understand how and why my sister does what she does sometimes. She says I think too 'straightforward' to understand.*shrug* I told her that I was worried for her and the whole big sister talk and she said I should stop worrying and that she knows how to handle her flatmate. Doesn't stop me from worrying though.
I worry so much for my siblings and even my parents. SMH.
Anyhoo, I firmly believe that in friendship and their importance, but when a friendship or any relationship becomes toxic, then I don't see why there should be any hesistation in walking away. Friends are to add to you and vice versa. Friendship should be joyous. Not necessarily all the time, but you should think of your friend and smile not be angry or sad or have negative thoughts.
Whatever though...
Moving on...

Five Characteristics of a Close (True) Friend
  1. A close friend rejoices in your joys and sorrows over your pains. A true friend is not just sympathetic, they are empathetic. They share your feelings, weeping with you when you weep and rejoicing with you when you rejoice.
  2. A close friend won’t defriend you if you disagree. Friendships are tested when there is a disagreement. But true friends don’t cut you off because of it. They may tell you what they think you need to hear and vice versa. But they will do it in such a way where you can receive it. The reason is because you know they love you unconditionally more than they love their views.
  3. A close friend stays in regular contact with you. I have friends who contact me from time to time and vice versa (once or twice a year). We regard each other as good friends. But a close friend this doth not make. Close friends communicate fairly regularly.
  4. A close friend is someone whom you trust implicitly. They have earned your trust. Consequently, you don’t doubt that they have your back. And you don’t fear that they will stab you in the back. You trust them enough to confide in them about highly private and confidential matters. Close friendship brings with it disclosure (John 15:15).
  5. A close friend will stand by you, defend you, even take a bullet for you when you’re under attack. To my mind, this is perhaps the highest measure of friendship or one of the rock-bottom “tests.” The posture of a true friend is, “If you hurt my friend, you’ve hurt me.” It is never, “Well, that person never did anything to hurt me, so it’s not my issue.” This attitude is what separates goats from black sheep. :-) True friends stand with and stand up for each other.                            http://frankviola.org/2012/03/26/whatmakesatruefriend/

Tuesday, 23 April 2013

Craziness!

This month has been exceptionally busy for me. It's been nice travelling and meeting so many people, but it's also been exhausting. I've had to make lots of small talk which was so tiring especially at my sister's birthday dinner. She is so bubbly and outgoing and all her friends are pretty much the same. After a while, I just stopped and sat in a corner and people watched. It was pretty entertaining watching them all.
I'm glad to be home, but I'm out again this weekend for another birthday do, but it's in my city, so no travelling. I can't wait for next weekend when I can just have a lie in, get some school work done and read a book. I read two books this past two weeks. One was 'The last templar' by Raymond Khoury. Good read. It's sort of similar to Dan Brown's 'The lost symbol'. I've not been to my local library in a while. I'm going to pay them a visit soon.

Apparently, I annoyed someone-A. He was going back to Nigeria and my mum had gotten somethings she wanted to send back home and the plan was that another friend of mine, B will pick them up from A and give them to the people they were intended for. My mum asked me to tell A that B will come pick it up from him. I sent A a message saying, please, this is B's number. Can you call him and try to set up a time with him so he knows when you'll be home and he can come pick up the things from you. A says okay first and then a few minutes later, sends me another message saying no. I'm like err, why? He says nothing and that I should call B myself and tell him. I ask him why because it makes more sense for him to call B since he's in Nigeria and it'll cost me to call B from the UK. He's still insistent and I keep on asking why and he tells me in other words that I disrespected him by asking him to do something. I'm like woah. Come again and he repeats himself. He adds that I'm younger than him and a woman and I'm sending him on errands and that I have become too westernised and I should try that in Nigeria and he's just going on and on. I was literally in shock. If this was someone else telling me this, I would not be bothered, but A is like my person. We're really good friends and could have been more if not that he moved back to Nigeria.
All I could think of was so within a week of you back in Nigeria, your mentality has changed so much or wth is going on... I was gobsmacked to say the least and I just could not get my head around the fact that I ask a REALLY good friend of mine who is just about 4/5 years older than me to do a favour for me and it is disrespect. He said that if I had said my mum asked me to tell him, it would have been better, but me asking him was wrong and if I cannot try it in Nigeria.
Is that true?
We've talked a couple of times since that conversation, but it has been strained. I don't know how to relate with him anymore. When we talked and hung out, I never really thought about age and the fact that he was older. We were cool, laughed and insulted each other so I've still been in a state of not shock, but something close to it for the past two weeks. I keep on hoping he'll call or send me a message saying, 'I was joking o! Did you actually take that seriously?' I know he won't, because I had to be sure he said that and so I rang him and he was actually getting angry. He said he's trying to not get too angry because he knows I didn't grow up in Nigeria much so I'm not used to how things are done. That pretty much told me that he was serious, BUT, WTH!!!

I have always been friends with older people all my life and I have pretty much dated mostly guys older than I am, but now, I've had to have a re-think. I know not every guy is hung up on the I'm older than you so you have to kneel down when greeting me even whilst dating or married thought, but I'm so wary.
I would never have thought in a million years that A will spew up the rubbish he did about me being younger and a woman, but he did. I guess, we never really know anyone.
*sigh*
I guess I'm just going to have to deal with it and err...
...
...
...Moving on