Saturday, 8 December 2012

If wishes were horses...


I wish I am more friendlier to people

I wish I trust people more

I wish I know how to go to an event or social gathering and know how relate with people without feeling stupid or weird

I wish I am not so akward with feelings and emotions.

I wish I am more of an extrovert sometimes.

I wish I wasn't so lonely even with people around.

I wish I could get a hug.

I wish I am not so fixated on everything being clean, tidy and perfect. It seems to irritate everyone but me.

I wish I am more of a girly girl and a better sister to my little sister (she's not really little o) (Hmm... better sister to sister) and not so much of a nerd/ recovering tomboy.

I wish I was more of a hugging kind of person.

I wish I knew how to use words to comfort people when they need it.

I wish I can stand up for myself without and not hate confrontations.

I wish I had more friends and not just people who come to me when they need a favour and then forget about me for 2 years (okay, 2 years is exaggerated)

I wish I will stop eating so much to forget about how much I don't like being me sometimes

I wish I will not be treated like a child at home and then expected to act like an adult

I wish people took my ideas and decisions seriously

I wish my family doesn't just push what I want aside and make me do what they think is best for me

I wish I will stop being compared with other people my age. I don't care about them or that my cousin is a mechanical engineer and her sister is a doctor and her other sister is an accountant all under the age of 27.
It makes me bitter. You pushed me to do what I never wanted to do because you listened to others and not me. Now I have decided to take my life and my future back and yes, I have gone a few steps back, but I am happy. You don't see my happiness, but you ignore it. You do not acknowledge what I do now. You just taunt me always with the fact that I am behind my contemporaries. Well I wouldn't be bloody behind if you had let me do what I wanted to to years ago would I?

I wish Nigerian parents wouldn't worry so much about what other people think of them and their children and just listen to their kids instead.

I wish I stop feeling like a failure and a disappointment.

I wish I was done with school and can show them that I didn't turn out so bad.

I wish people at Church will stop asking family stupid questions as to why I'm back home. If you are curious, ask me and stop bloody snooping around. Eediots. (Sorry Lord)

I wish I wasn't the first child (most times).

I wish I don't feel like I'm setting a negative precedent for my younger ones.

I wish I was closer to my extended family. I see other families and how close they all are with their grannies and gramps, cousins, aunts and uncles and I get jealous. Yes, I do.

I wish I stop crying every other night and hurting in the ones in between.

I wish I am more forgiving.

I wish I had a better support system emotionally and spiritually.

I wish I had an elder brother or sister or mentor or godmother/father (I'm accepting applications).

I wish I have that Proverbs 18:24 friend that sticketh closer than a brother friend. Do they even exist?

I wish the close friends that I have will not always talk about themselves when we talk and shut me up indirectly.

I wish I was not boring.

I wish I don't have unlimited calls (sometimes)

I wish I am not the one always calling others.

I wish I was important to someone other than family and I know it.

I wish people whom you classify as friends will still be loyal even when they have a significant other. I thought we were good friends. We had been friends for ages and then you dated 'Christian friend' and changed. In things that I was clearly right on, you made it seem like I was being daft and over reacting and when I told my mum, she said I wasn't and if my mum says I wasn't then I wasn't because she is the queen mother of exaggerations and over reacting.

I wish I never moved in with the 'Christian friend' I did last year. I have become a jaded and distrustful person.

I wish I never told him I had a crush on him and he said he did too, but he wasn't single anymore (not that I want a relationship o) and he'll call me back but never did.

I wish we stayed on as friends and I'm not so cold towards him now. (I don't like when people say they'll do something and never do or give you some sort of explanation or apology. It's rude!)

I wish I never went to that Church with high hopes when I was still in that city. I have become jaded and confused.

I wish I was more appealing

I wish I like morning devotions and it isn't a time where I am castigated about one thing or the other.

I wish I could write or sing or have some sort of creativity in me.

I wish I can find it easy to confide in people without thinking I'll be made to look stupid.

I wish I have a group of friend like in sex and the city. Do friends like that exist? In real life not fantasy?

I wish I haven't just checked my e-mail and seen that for the young adults programme in Church this evening, I am in charge of the feeding. They changed my role without even asking like WTF. Just because I am female doesn't mean I have to be the one in charge of feeding for fffffffff sake. Dammit.

I wish I just didn't send a text to the Pastor's son asking as politely as possible why my role has to be changed on short notice without asking me for any sort of input? I know it's working for the Lord, but I wish men would not just do that.

I wish PS did not just reply now saying he can do if I want, making me feel guilty. I'm just going to ignore the text like I didn't see  it and dammit.

I wish I did not just reply and say 'Didn't say I wasn't going to do it. Just asked why.'

Now I feel stupid for sending the first text asking why. I was just so irritated though. Maybe I shouldn't have. *worried/tired/fed-up face*

 I wish I can find my headphones. I think I lost them whilst walking to the shops last night.

I wish my life was perfect and orderly. I dislike disorderliness.

I wonder if God actually listens to me when I pray in my heart and ask questions.

I wonder what my mum and dad will say if I tell them that I have forgotten how to pray. I am not close to God anymore and I having doubts about everything.

PS: I do really love my family, they just drive me up the wall 60% of 45% of the time.
PSS: I love God, but I wish He'll show/reveal Himself to me like asap because I can't go on on my parent's faith much longer.


If wishes were horses...




This post is too long. I might take it off. I don't know anymore, I don't care.

*Update: I found my headphones kn my coat pocket. I actually checked it oo, but I'm  ot complaining. Wohoo.

5 comments:

  1. a very profound post. this is your blog and you can delete this post if you want, but i hope you don't....

    i can relate to quite a few of these posts.....ultimately it is your life. some of those wishes can be made into realities :¬)

    www.thatgoodgirlchi.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I went through your blog and I relate to some of your posts too. Hmmm...
      Thanks for stopping by and for the advice. x

      Delete
  2. *hugs* *now applying to be your sister
    we all feel this way at one point in life. just take a deep breath and keep smiling. its a phase dear, one that will pass soon.
    you are fabulous and gorgeous and all the good wonderful things, dont let anything/anyone make you feel different

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *hugs back*
      Aww... Thanks. I guess we all do. Amen. I pray it passes sooner than later.
      Thanks again. x

      Delete
  3. aww im with you on almost all you mentioned asin im not kidding you.
    i know u wrote this post a longtime ago but i hope this makes you feel better, there are people who have the same wish as you. you are not alone.

    ReplyDelete

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