My sister called me and she asked me if God has already decided who is going to heaven or hell and that she'd been having that discussion with her flatmate and a couple of friends. We talked a bit about it and I tried to reassure her that God has given us free will and if we live right and be saved, He won't say because we are all destined to go to hell because we are born sinners are going to hell anyway if that makes sense. I didn't tell her that I have thought about it many times before and I had found no answers that I could not question.
She asked me to read Romans 9 which was not very helpful to my plight. I'm going to have to study that passage and do some more active research into it. I told her to stop questioning and having conversations that will make her confused. Don't judge me. I had no clear cut answer for her.
On a normal day, I'm all for questioning everything. I think it is healthy to question everything rather than assume or live in ignorance, besides, how do you defend what you believe in if you are confused about it?
I will have to speak to her some more on Romans 9 and the whole destiny/freewill thing, but at this point, I can't because I...dunno.
I sometimes wonder if God has already pre-destined those who He will bless and those that wouldn't be so lucky. Some people seem to have everything so so easy with things falling into place perfectly without them even thinking about lifting a finger to do anything and then there are others who work so hard, but the odds are stacked high against them. They are stuck in whatever rut they are in or even move backwards.
It's not fair. There are some people I know who don't give two cents about anything or anyone or God and guess what? They have it all or from what I can see, they do and then there are others who live their lives well or try to and there's nothing to show for it and damn it, it hurts and IT IS NOT FAIR because I just think, what's the point? Maybe if I become like these people, things will be better since it isn't with this 'good' way I'm living.
Whatever though, I am just so flipping frustrated and tired and I have been trying to keep busy and involved in many things so I don't go crazy. I hear people say God has a plan and yadi yadi yadi and everything will be alright in His time and the funny/sad thing is I tell people that too even up until a couple of days ago but it's getting difficult to keep believing.
It's like once you're out of one issue, another crops up and I wonder when it'll end or if there'll ever be a break. I'm getting to the point that I feel I am slowly getting stretched and soon I won't be able to hold it together again.
I read everything I lay my hands on just so I can escape my life. I literally wake up and keep busy till I fall asleep.
I am not an emotional person, but I really just want to put my head on someone's shoulder and cry and say I can't do all this anymore. Maybe God doesn't like me or maybe He has already predestined not so cool things for me and if so, maybe I should just stop trying and just let it be. I am so tired. Mentally, emotionally and it tells physically.
God, if you're there, please help me. I beg you. I really do. I can't do this or anything anymore and we pray, I pray. I'm not perfect. I do crappy things that most likely annoy you lots. I won't come to you and say, but A does that and you still bless her/him, I don't and you don't bless me. I won't, but I can't help but think so. Family's at breaking point. I am at breaking point and I'm trying to be strong and I'm tired of trying to pack it in and not complain and be happy and strong especially when I can't see the supposed light at the end of the tunnel. Make a way for us Lord. Make a way for me. Fix all that need to be fixed please because after all is said and done, no matter how much I find it hard to believe now, and no matter how much I keep busy and read and play games or listen to music or go out and talk to lots of people for hours on end to help me 'escape' my reality, I have no one else to turn to literally. NO ONE. So I'm asking you if you're listening to me and seeing my and our tears to please help me/us. Help us in Jesus name. Amen.